The Other Ten Contributor Essays

By / October 28, 2008 /

If you’ve got a few minutes to kill, check out the rest of the essays we received from people looking to be a part of this thing. We miss anyone who should absolutely be considered in your mind?

Egotist Essayist #4

Why would I make a great Egotist? Well for starters I put that critique of the OKC Thunder logo in your comments section that managed to get itself spread around the globe like wildfire.

If that isn’t reason enough…

Besides being a designer by trade I went to school originally to study Art History. Therefore, I unlike most in this profession have been trained to look at a work and judge it based completely on its own merit devoid of any kind of projection of likes and dislikes, preconceived notions, biases, or allegiances. I am, in a sense, a heartless asshole when it comes to advertising and design, but for all the right reasons. I am young and have my oven mitt on the panhandle of what is hot with connections to the world of design, architecture, and photography in MPLS, SF, CHI, NY and LA. What else could you ask for?

That made me think of something else…. Instead of gunning to be as good as NY or SF why not aim your sites a little lower. Getting Denver better than MPLS is actually an attainable goal 5 years out. Having lived and worked there, I know.

Egotist Essayist #5

Why would I be a great Egotist?

Ok, let’s turn this around a bit. Per the Egotist’s own manifesto, I don’t think this is about me. This isn’t like a job interview as much as it is a volunteer opportunity for a cause you believe in.

And I believe in Denver’s ad industry.

Denver is in a decent place right now. Yeah, it’s not on the level of NYC or Chicago or Minneapolis or whatever your favorite ad city is. But we have to ask ourselves: is that what we want?

If we try to become the next NYC for advertising we will always be an imitator. A #2. Always. The key is to help Denver find it’s own identity and then grow into it. No one likes an imitator or an also-ran.

That’s what I want to bring to the Egotist, the mentality of making Denver not only suck less, but of finding Denver it’s own voice. It’s own personality on the national global stage. I want to bring the viewpoint of someone who hasn’t been in this business for so many years that they’re jaded and angry. I want to bring in some fresh thinking to Denver. And when Denver responds by creating more great work, I want the world to know about it.

Does that mean all kind words from me? Of course not, everyone needs some constructive criticism to stay on course. It’s about being that teacher that everyone hates in high school because he rarely gives A’s and always has some critique of your work. But then after a few years you realize, hey, maybe he was right…

In the end, let’s remember that it’s going to be hard for Denver’s ad scene to rise up if we’re constantly beating each other down.

Egotist Essayist #6

Please be entertaining, not douchey: By NAME

There is a fine line between entertainment and douche bagarry. As someone who is in fact not a douche bag, well at least not on a consistent basis, I feel I would be a stunning addition, nay, a staggering addition, no that’s not it; what is the synonym I am looking for…hmmmm? Lets put it this way, as an out of work copywriter who is trying to keep busy instead of forging a permanent groove in his knock off lovesack playing call of duty all day long, I feel I would be a fucking essential and totally tubular to the max addition to the Denver Egotist. I mean, why not, I check the site everyday searching for a job that has yet to materialize, so it makes perfect sense.

So here I am, out of work again and thinking to myself, what the fuck am I doing being a copywriter? Do I really want to deal with this shit again? Agencies go out of business all the time, and when the going gets rough who gets the axe? The copywriters. The poor, lowly, downtrodden and underappreciated copywriters. We aren’t important when the agency loses a big client, but we are really important when some designer or art director needs to know if they should use whether or weather, or its or it’s, which or witch, carat or carrot and so on and so forth. So I have been thinking, maybe I should do something else? I should become a plumber or an electrician. I need to learn a trade, that shit is recession proof. If a plumber looses a client they don’t lay off half the goddamn staff. Americans may stop going out to eat or taking trips to the NASCAR track during a recession but they sure as hell are going to call a plumber when good ol’ Bubba takes a gnarly shit that clogs the toilet. But alas, here I am, still trying to be a copywriter by writing a meandering essay and submitting it to the Egotist. So maybe I haven’t given up just yet. I mean, just last week I was bugging some of my designer pals to help me with some spec ads that I had been thinking about; they didn’t really want to help out, which isn’t surprising, because hey, I am just a copywriter right?

Well, I am not taking this sitting down anymore. I started my own blog last month shortly after losing my job. Remind me never to take a job in the marketing department at a soulless, multinational, conglomerate corporation ever again, that shit blows harder than Jenna Jamison. So, I started a blog reviewing movies and music. I am a music snob, a musician and a movie snob, so why not combine all of my snobbery into my own big circle jerk of snobbishness. I’ve got that going for me, but that only gets me out of my beanbag and off the Xbox 360 for a handful of hours every day. I need more distractions to fill my time. I need something to give my life more purpose and direction. I need The Denver Egotist. The Egotist can be that other snobby distraction that I’ve been searching for. Please Ego-ites, keep me from resorting to surfing for porn half my day by letting me write for your site. I am not too proud to beg, as this whole essay is a way of begging you for something to do. I haven’t given up on copywriting yet. Give me yet another sliver of hope to keep plodding forward in this thankless profession. There, I’ve laid it out on the line. (Insert my name here), the copywriter who needs something to do.

Egotist Essayist #7

Discreet, sexy, boisterous, intelligent brunette

Interested? You should be.

My qualifications:

– Seductive writer. Want to be aroused? Keep reading. My copy will keep your readers coming back for more.

– Internet connoisseur. Google – been there. MySpace – done that. AdAge’s Power 150 – been there, done that, and still don’t know why The Denver Egotist isn’t number one. With my help, The Denver Egotist will not only become king of the hill on that list – it will reign as number one. Guaranteed. Or, I will personally hire Chuck Norris to see that it regains its deserved position at the top.

– Master of Propaganda – Sure, I may be a great writer. But, I’m an even better promoter. Add me on your team and listen as word of mouth spreads about the Denver Egotist. Soon, you’ll be everybody’s guilty pleasure.

– Media Junkie – I get the greatest high from people, especially “the media” making mistakes. Who doesn’t? You can’t tell me you don’t giggle a little inside when a newscaster curses on air or when an unexpected ad takes on a little sexual innuendo. I’d be honored to spend my day finding clips for you to enjoy.

– Ex-sorority girl with the knack to tell it like it is. Really. I’d like to kick the person in the face who thought it would be a good idea to bring back Jelly sandals.

– World Class Traveler – I’ve been around the ad world. I’ve seen the best in NY, SF and LA. Now I’m seeing all the rest. And, I’m not very impressed. C’mon Denver. Step it up a notch.

– Creative as fuck. Can’t you tell that already?

– Energizer bunny like stamina – Just like everyone else in the ad industry, I will stay up all night to get that article in on time. I will look like hell the next day. But, that is a sacrifice I am willing to make for you.

– Multiple personas – Trust me, I’m not Sybil. I don’t have 16 personalities. I can write in multiple voices, though.

– Curiousity– There’s something intriguing about the ad industry. As I continue to read up on agency news, I find myself asking more questions. Luckily for you, I don’t hold these questions inside. I pounce on the subject who has the answers and claw them till I find out what I want to know. You’ll definitely want me to interview Denver’s talent.

This is only a small portrait of words of how awesome I am. You’ll see the big picture when you give me a chance to write for your blog. I am confident that your readers will agree that I am a perfect match for the Denver Egotist.

Egotist Essayist #8

Getting Denver on the ad world map is what it’s all about. The only way to do this is to look at everything that’s out there and what others are bringing to the table. What can the cowboys and trust fund ski bunnies bring up to bat that no one else has? And no, I’m not talking about Rocktober.

Why am I the best? Better than the rest for this job? It’s about time everyone took a sip of the D-Town Kool-Aid and I want to help make this happen. We need to make sure that Denver is bringing it’s brightest work to the table. Cold, hard and truthful commentary is the best way to mold and ignite dynamite work. I’ve seen the talent around town and know what we are capable of. I live for pop culture and twitter with the best of them. Scouring the web for new advertising blogs is a guilty pleasure and hobby. I am always reaching for the next new thing to inspire me and I love to share my two cents.

I may be a transplant but I’m proud to say Denver is my home. Let’s do this.

Egotist Essayist #9

I’ve tried to start this essay a few times now, but haven’t been able to get past your garden variety Pros and Cons list. For every reason why I would make a great Denver Egotist, there’s an equally valid reason why I wouldn’t. So I guess the best thing to do is just to post both lists and see what happens.

Why would I be a great Denver Egotist? I’m kind of an asshole. I’m not afraid to tell people what I think of them. Or their work.

Why wouldn’t I be a great Denver Egotist? I’m kind of an asshole. I’m not afraid to tell people what I think of them. Or their work. Or their inability to describe a concept as anything other than “organic” or “tasty”. Or their personal hygiene. Their dog’s personal hygiene. Their spouse’s personal hygiene. Their spouse’s mother’s personal hygiene. Their junk. Their spouse’s junk. Their mother’s junk. Their spouse’s mother’s junk. Their dog’s junk. Or their spouse’s mother’s dog’s junk. Or their work. (It always comes back to the work.)

Why: I’m not afraid of readers. A few years back, a soldier in Iraq sent me an email threatening to hunt me down and kick my ass over an article I wrote about his favorite frosty beverage. I refused to take it down.

Why not: I’m afraid of my wife. After hearing about the threat, it took just one dismissive snortish glance at my pot-belly and pasty bitch-tits and that article went down faster than a hooker with a sodium-chloride deficiency.

Why: I’m not from Denver. I don’t live in Denver. I’m from the Midwest, ie, Real America. (Allegedly.) I can bring an outsider’s perspective to the discussion.

Why not: I don’t live in Denver. I live in what others have so quaintly described as the taint of I-25. But I do get a few Denver channels on the teevee.

Why: I love coffee.

Why not: I end up drinking too much coffee because it helps counteract the meds.

Why: I have over 15 years of experience as a copywriter, working for a variety of agencies across the country. Some were great. Some were good. And some downright sucked balls. Unshorn balls at that.

Why not: My recent track record of ending up at said unshorn ball sucking agencies doesn’t speak well of my judgment.

Why: Being a creative, it goes without saying I have a thick skin. (Although I said it anyway. Suck it, Department of Redundancy Department!)

Why not: Getting fired from my last two gigs has thickened my skin to the consistency of slab-cut hickory bacon. Sure, it put the kibosh on my mad white boy dance skillz, but damn, I smell great in the morning. Especially when camping.

Why: I hate hippies. As the great philosopher e. cartman once said, “Hippies say they want to save the world, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.”

Why not: I have a weakness for the smell of patchouli oil, due to a hippy chick I dated in college. She went on to become an international lawyer while I ended up a freelance copywriter who sometimes goes a couple of days between showers, depending on my work load and how wide a berth my dogs give me. Go figure.

Why: Heineken.

Why not: Heineken?! Fuck that shit. Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Why: An art director I once worked with created superhero alter egos for everyone in the department. My hero name? Egoman.

Why not: There isn’t a “Why not” for this one. I’m friggin’ Egoman!

So, I guess my case boils down to this: if you want an over-opinionated, over-caffeinated, under-medicated, transplanted, bitch-tittied freelance copywriter who’s not afraid of anyone except his wife, then I’m your guy. If not, no biggie. I’ll see you in Hell. I’ll be the one who smells like bacon.

Egotist Essayist #10

FIVE RECOMMENDATIONS for the continued success and vitality of The Denver Egotist

1. Hold a “Best-Looking Reader” Contest
If television and Denver nightlife have taught me anything, it’s that people are obsessed with their own appearance only slightly more than everyone else’s. So what better way to get people riled up than to pit vain and shallow readers against one another in a beauty contest? It’ll be a riot.

2. Throw More Parties
Sometimes, I get depressed reading your blog. I think, “What am I doing with my life? Why do I keep coming back to this site every day? I don’t even know if these are real people running this shit. Don’t I have any friends?” This all inevitably leads me to alcohol. But you know what would be great? If I didn’t have to drink alone. A few more parties thrown courtesy of The Denver Egotist won’t only increase camaraderie and friendship among your readers; they will also increase your popularity, and bring you closer to being crowned King of Anonymous Ad Blogs.

3. Be More Mysterious

4. Take It To The Streets
Reading about all these exciting, innovative ad campaigns on the Egotist makes me wonder why you haven’t tried out any clever new ideas for marketing the site. Get an audio recording of some of the heinous things people have said on the site and play it in a public space. Stage duels. Start tagging. Sponsor a biker gang. Hire a hearse.

5. Open Up Shop
You know that subversive and snarky newspaper, The Onion? You know how they sell mugs and t-shirts that say subversive and snarky things like, “Owls Are Assholes”? You should do that, too.

Egotist Essayist #11

“This town needs an enema.”
– The Joker, Batman

Ten years ago, I moved back to my hometown after cutting my teeth in NYC to work at Integer. Not long after, The Denver Advertising Federation asked Integer to work on the Call For Entries. I salivated, stayed up late concepting. Another team’s idea was picked. I was bummed.

Their concept was based on The Ten Commandments. “Thou Shalt Not Use Helvetica”, “Thou Shalt Not Use Puns”… you get the idea. Personally, I didn’t like it, but it won.

I wanted to do a newspaper headline, “JAKE JABS MAULED BY LION”.

A few days later, I overheard a silly joke. Well, I thought it was a joke.

The AE tells the team, “The client LOVED it. LOVEDITLOVEDIT! But, they want to revise it so it doesn’t feel religious in any way. It might offend somebody.”

It took me a while to wrap my head around that one.

That, TDE, was my first taste of the Denver ad scene. It’s ad club, wanting to celebrate creativity while simultaneously pleasing Focus on the Family.

If you don’t think I’d be a good Egotist, cool.

Because I’m a member of Team Awesome.

I’ll back up. The day of my six-year anniversary at Integer, I vowed not to hit my seventh. I got a part-time job: finding a way out of my full-time job.

By the time I left in July of 2005, I had money in the bank, work from Comcast, and a list of industry contacts I made in that final year.

Then Comcast eliminated my division. People who say that the best time to market yourself is when you’re busy are, well, a shitload smarter than I am.

To get by, I got a job at a call center. Go from agency life and hanging poolside in L.A. drinking on the client’s dime, to times as a freelancer where you do the math and discover your current workload equals $100K+ in eight months (hello Europe!)—go from these places to clocking out for a fifteen minute break.

Who works in call centers? The bohemians that clients think we advertising/design folks are. Your creative intern skated with them. When he went to art school, they made pizzas, stayed up all night wailing on their guitars and tattooed their faces.

Here I am, a Copywriter, among their ranks. Hoo-boy.

Telefund, where I worked, had such high turnover you were ignored at first. Explosions and death aside, it reminded me of “Platoon”, when Charlie Sheen’s character said no one paid attention to the new grunts because they probably won’t be around long. I forced myself to go in every shift.

Jonny intimidated the hell out of me at first. If Cinderella needed a bass player, Jonny had the axe, hair, makeup—and attitude—to take over.

Jonny was also President of Team Awesome.

Team Awesome had it’s own row at the office. It’s own aura. Team Awesome was mainly Jonny’s rocker chicks, but if Jonny thought a guy was okay, he could join. Team Awesome’s guy-girl ratio was quite lopsided.

After a month at Telefund, people said hello. Plus, freelance gigs rolled in. I could breathe again. I started to hang out at Bar Bar and Bender’s with my new co-workers, talking life. As it turns out, they thought Advertising sounded rad. They’d take The Man’s money.

I’d see ex co-workers, and as they filled me in on gossip, I started to say, “Hey, look at the time! I bet there’s something on TV I should watch right now.” earlier and earlier.

Four months into Telefund, I began a six-to-ten shift.

“Jonny!” I yelled. “Good times other night!”

He said. “Hey Chris, wanna join Team Awesome?”.

For me, no Associate/Vice/Middle Manager title could ever match the honor of being a member of Team Awesome.

I wanted out of advertising. I left Corporate America down on the whole ball of wax.

About six months ago, I started digging what I do again. I thank Team Awesome.

But, I hate the pageantry of my industry.

The people that masturbate to pictures of themselves.

And in this town, the fact that one can say “Make the Ten Commandments concept less… religious.” and not get TASERed.

I’d be a good voice for The Egotist. No. I’d be a perspective.

I’m down with the cause. As a writer who has freelanced for the hack-job agencies here in town… I’ll throw some rocks.

Sincerely,
NAME
Member
Team Awesome

Egotist Essayist #12

Well, it’s late Friday night, October 24th. The deadline for this submission is Friday, October 24th. So, depending on the interpretation of the rules by the powers that be, this little piece may or may not see the light of day. And we all know that writing becomes increasingly easy as a deadline approaches. That puts me at a distinct advantage. Feel free to dock points for said advantage.

It’s mostly my fault. I admit that. This morning I was done. Or basically done. I was 749 words into this thing with two words left to type out – “no ego.” It was supposed to be this clever little turn of phrase that ended the essay empathically, wrapped it all up with a pretty bow and solidified my reputation as a journalistic juggernaut. Well, the problem is that those words would have put me at 751, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to start my duties as a Denver Egotist contributor by breaking the rules. So, I did what I had to do. I improvised. I recalculated and worked with what I had. I came up with a solve. I backspaced over “no ego” and typed “egoless.” Yep. Spell check. Attach. Send.

Nope. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the previous sentence. It ended with “tireless.” So that wasn’t going to work. The last two sentences both ended with words that ended with “less.” And they practically lined up, one above the other. Stupid. So, I changed “tireless” to “assiduous” but that sounded too show-offy, then I tried “unstinting” but that’s clearly a thesaurus-only word. So I settled on “energetic” but that triggered a memory of a client saying “I like this concept. It feels very energetic.” The ad was for high fiber dog food. The visual was a dog wearing wire-rimmed spectacles. The headline was “Perfect for Grand-Paws.”

So then I re-read that whole sentence. It looked weird. Like a preposition had given birth to quintuplets. So I scratched it. Then the next-to-last paragraph had to become part of the final paragraph and thus the intro didn’t tie in anymore and all of a sudden the only thing left on the page was “egoless.”

Now I’m sure you must be impressed. To this point I’ve proven that I’m terrible with deadlines, have no ability to self-edit and can’t count. Furthermore, I haven’t even brought up anything relevant, save a flippant allusion to a story about a horrible dog food ad that I may or may not be remembering correctly. I guess all I’ve really given you so far is whole lot of nonsense, aimless creative self-indulgence and superficial hyper-analysis. In other words, I’ve demonstrated that I am a solidly entrenched member of the advertising community.

But, beyond those pre-requisite traits that I’ve already displayed, there’s stuff about me of which you are not yet aware. You would have learned some of those things in the essay I have gradually deleted over the past few hours. It was perhaps the finest 751-word essay articulating why a person should become a contributor to the Denver Egotist. I managed to highlight my thorough understanding of the industry without losing my humility and curiosity. I wrote concisely and casually, while still managing to sneak in key words like Cannes, Clio and Crispin. I appealed to the pleated-pant folk with acronyms such as USP, RFP, CWP and GOP. I showed that advertising can be the canvas for beauty and truth while maintaining a What the F*ck dirty aloofness to the “whole stupid scene.” I came across as the singular voice of a new generation without ever having to use the phrase, “voice of a new generation.”

Yep, it was all in there. And it all fit within the 750-word requirement. All but one word. In the end, I couldn’t find a way to squeeze in the word “Ego.” And I just know that’s gonna cost me this whole damn thing.

Egotist Essayist #13

Before the version of the essay you are reading now, several shitty versions preceded – one of them illegibly written on a napkin. And in all honesty, you may have enjoyed those essays better than this one. But before you make any judgments on this current edition, please allow me to convince you that I would make a good addition to the Denver Egotist team.

There is a strange little twinge in my stomach that I call “The Egotist.”

It’s true. When I see brilliant ads I get this strange quiver in my stomach. I call it the Egotist, but most would call it inspiration. It wiggles its way to my arm and then, slowly to my writing hand. Creativity is like a dog that comes to your side when it wants to play. When your too busy or too stressed out your friend brings you out of the darkness and into the sunshine. Yes many ideas will die. But with a coffee at hand and some good beats I carry on. I do this because I know that creativity does not die, it only changes.

I accept that change. I understand and respect the agencies here at home and they continue, with the help of the Egotist beacon, to inspire all of us.

I come from a long line of Egotists.

My great great grandfather was a traveling sculptural architect during the Civil War. Now while some may have been able to endure gangrene or starvation (or even month-old underwear), I’m pretty sure that accidentally shooting your southern brother would have sucked entirely. But thanks to creatives like my relative, you may have seen art as you walked through town squares and been inspired. Perhaps the war, at least for a fleeting moment, would have sucked less.

More recently, my grandfather was an ad man and cartoonist who helped advertise the products of the 50s and 60s. My mom, also an artist, can breathe life into a blank piece of paper with just a pencil and a pen. Through them (and my great great grandfather before) traveled the Egotism gene. This trait passed unto me much like the gene for hair loss – expect of course, I use a special shampoo with good ads and smart thinking to keep Egotism strong and healthy.

But anyone can love good ads. The difference is in the person – which brings me to my next point.

I enjoy beer and I am not a douche.

Enough said right? In all honesty, I love to write and that is the most important thing. Having both agency and freelance experience, I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to squeak by in a small agency. I’ve worked alongside some brilliant people in a global agency. I’ve quit advertising to dig ditches (yes, dig ditches). But I always come back. I’ve accepted that I can’t get away from this industry. I love it too much. And I would be more than honored to contribute to your mission to making the area suck less.

Plus, I’ll do it for free.