Play Ball, Please

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Through comprehensive research, we’ve found the funniest thing a professional sports team mascot can do is dry-hump the visiting team’s mascot while families with small children watch in horror. That’s just good entertainment.

What’s not funny is when you take a mascot, put him in mundane, everyday situations and roll camera. Hilarity does not ensue. That’s the premise behind one of five (yes, five!) new spots from the Colorado Rockies. The spot opens with a young lad posing the question, “Daddy, what does Dinger do when he’s not at the Rockies games?” Daddy replies, “Gosh son, he does mounds of cocaine and any stripper with a fuzzy fetish.” Well, that’s our version anyway.

In the real version, however, the viewer gets a day-in-the-life guffaw-fest with Dinger, the Rockies’ big purple dinosaur. Look, there he is on the treadmill! Go Dinger! There he is taking a medicine ball in the chest! Watch out, Dinger! Now he’s got a giant pencil and he’s in a meeting! And now he’s answering the phone?! Wait a minute, Dinger doesn’t talk! Oh no! The fifth scenario involves a photocopier. You’ll never guess where that one goes.

The only respite from the groaning is provided with a one-second-long static card of the Rockies logo and, if you look fast enough, a website. If you thought it was over, well, you’re wrong. The spot ends with one final non-zinger in which Dinger exits a bathroom stall while Rockies players Ian Stewart and Scott Podsednik are at the sink. They’ve even managed to take the funny out of dinosaur dookie.

We envy Dinger. Or at least we envy the guy inside the Dinger suit. He can blame the stilted, humorless performance on the manufacturers of his costume. Those big, blank eyes ain’t sellin’ it, mister. Unfortunately, those big, blank eyes are at the center of another spot in which players take on Dinger in a staring contest. Spoiler alert: Plastic eyes don’t blink.

This year’s campaign picks up right where last year’s award-winning campaign left off. The players are “acting” again, the scripts aren’t funny, and we’re left scratching our heads.

Yes, we get it. The Rockies are just regular folks who can yuk it up with the best of them. But, as we said in last year’s commentary, we don’t need them to be funny. We need them to win games. They want us to fork over 27 bucks for a beer? Work on the pitching. (Note: Bad advertising pun with play on “pitching” purposely omitted.) When they’re winning games and kicking ass, we’ll let them do whatever they please. Buy 30-minute slots and riddle us with knock-knock jokes. Do five minutes of “who’s on first?” during the 7th-inning stretch. Play “pull my finger” with the fans. Whatever.

When professional athletes perform their jobs well, fans can find a way to forgive them for just about anything. “Sure he’s up for murder one, but did you see that average?” The same applies to being unfunny. Go out there and win some games, and we’ll find it in our hearts to pretend to laugh at your jokes.

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