Op Ed: Integrated Marketing Communications? Screw that!!

Just heard about this Integrated Marketing Communications crap. Oh brother. IMC — as the big brains call it — is supposedly gaining traction in top-market advertising circles. We are yet to see it in practice, but they say this “Big Picture” approach has huge implications for our business. Rat shit, I say.

What is it? IMC is one plan, one coordinated message in all media channels. It promises increased brand value and better results. One plan including elements of advertising, sales, direct response and PR?! Sounds like a real fuckstorm to me! Not to mention a whole bunch of work!

This is horrifying. Most brands have an advertising agency, a sales promotion agency, a direct marketing agency and a PR agency. Each group plays a crucial part because each group knows their shit. Now you’re telling me I gotta sit in a room with all these sons-a-bitches?! I’m an AD MAN, dammit! Who gets a vote on the advertising messaging? God forbid sales gets a say in creative. Should integrated advertisements focus on getting the message out to a lot of people or getting a lot of people to respond? What the hell is going on?!

The unearthly mix of copywriters and salesmen is just the beginning; one agency cannot possibly do more than one thing well. Putting everything under one roof will risk a mediocre mix of relative competencies. You know what happens when you let a scotch and rocks sit too long? It gets watered down!

And let’s not forget the consumers. Can they possibly be expected to process advertisements simultaneously? Will they be able to recognize that these pieces fit together? Hell no. They want their advertising messages in easy-to-chew 30-second pieces. Give ‘em a single outdoor board with a cowboy smoking a cigarette and they know what they’re supposed to do. Light up!

There is no research to substantiate any of this theoretical hootenanny. I got your research right here: it’s all bull crap. I’ve been playing this game for 43 years — 43 years!!! — and it seems to be working fine for me. Don’t believe me? Drop by and I’ll give you a ride in my shiny new 1990 BMW 325i Convertible. It’s cherry red, people. Cherry red!!

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COMMENTS VIA ANSWERING SERVICE
"Hi I'm calling to record a comment on the Ad Man. He's full of shit! He's afraid he's gonna lose his job -- that's plain and simple. It's ah, it's like when people didn't know how to turn on their typewriters and ah now we got computers and, ah, he just needs to grow the fuck up and realize he's gonna lose his job if he doesn't figure out how to get with the picture and with the times. Thank you. My name is John."