The Short, Imagined Monologue of a Copywriter Trying to Sell You During an Informational Interview.

By Copywriter Jordan Sher

“Hi! I’m a writer. I’m so glad I get to meet you. I’m ready and able for all your writing needs.

Take a look at my portfolio. I’m sure you’ll agree I’ve got an interesting approach. I see the right voice and tone. And I will be able to capture everything the client wants to say and regurgitate it back to you.

Did I think ‘regurgitate’ out loud? I meant ‘put a positive spin on.’

It’s a dying art, you know, writing. Being killed off by marketing managers who went to college. Please think I can do better than a marketing manager.

I have a reputation you can count on. And you can count on the fact that I do not try and fake a boatload of technical skills since I so desperately want to bring ‘added value.’ Nothing can ruin a reputation worse than a TV spot done in iMovie because I ‘wanted the job.’

I will, however, be your go-to man if you like to use the word ‘ambrosia.’ Like ‘the flavors of ambrosia hidden in every bite of fruit cocktail.’ See what I did just there?

Contrary to popular opinion, as a professional advertising man, I do not make it a goal to sleep with the clients. That was advertising in the 80s. Or it’s advertising at DraftFCB. Or it’s advertising on the Turner network. None of which currently employ me.

Please do not wonder why I’m not wearing a t-shirt with an ironic phrase. I am in this line of work to dress frumpy. If you want trendy, hire an art director.

I’m very competitive when it comes to pitching RFPs. By ‘very competitive’ I mean I cut brake lines.

Why is there silence right now? Do you like my book? Should I drop a name? Neil French? Mark Fenske? That thing that Sal DeVito did in the 90s?

Well, this has been very pleasant. Yes, here’s my card. And of course you can keep my portfolio. I can easily print out another one and staple it together.”

Jordan Sher is a Jewish copywriter who thinks too much. Pair him with an Italian art director and you too can be living the big-agency stereotype.