The Rant: Don't Screw The Crew

Volume 38 In a Series By Felix

I’m taking a break from the usual ranting on work, although this is somewhat related. It’s an easy concept to grasp, but not always an easy one to follow; don’t have sex with anyone in the office. It really is that simple.

It’s not prudish, it’s common sense. Personally, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass what you do when it comes to sex. If you like to dress up as Tinker bell and sodomize a David Hasselhoff lookalike with a Swiffer Wetjet, go for it. But do it without involving your coworkers. Because I have lost count of how many “relationships,” casual or otherwise, have completely fucked up the work dynamic. And when the work suffers, the agency suffers. Which means everyone feels the fallout of your monkey-piling escapades.

There are no good outcomes from this, as some of you will already know. Here are a few from my past, and in good Dragnet style, the names have been changed to protect the innocent(ish).

When I was in my first ever agency job, my AD took a real shine to the PA of the CEO. Annie was equally smitten. Before I could yell “noooooo” in slo-mo, they were screwing each other’s brains out.

I took him to one side, bought him a beer and said, in no uncertain terms, “if you fuck this up, you realize we’re both getting the shaft.” He said he knew what he was doing. And for one year, everything was rosy. Our expense reports got approved instantly, sometimes we even got extra cash for “out of pocket” expenses. We were getting on the good accounts. We were on great pitches. Then, at a Christmas bash, he decided he’d play the field and hooked up with someone from the account group.

Before I knew what had hit me, I was in the middle of a quagmire. Emails were flying back and forth, people were ignoring us, we got taken off the primo account and were stuck doing credit-card mailings. And all because my AD decided to dip his wick in a moment of weakness.

Fast-forward a few years, and two great friends of mine joined the agency I was working at. Chaz and Dave both instantly had eyes for the same girl, a blonde from Norway with the physique of a Playboy bunny and the hair of a mermaid. Heidi liked them both, but she made her choice, and dated Chaz. But it wasn’t long before the rumors were confirmed… she was dating Dave at the same time, without Chaz knowing. It was not an easy secret to keep, and after a few months the game was up. It was a civil war, the accounts they were on suffered and it almost split up a great team. The girl moved on to another agency, but the damage had been done, and Chaz and Dave were the first victims of a downsizing.

You have no doubt heard many stories like those. You may even have been involved in a couple. But nothing good ever comes of these trysts. Either things go sour (90% of the time) and the work suffers, along with anyone in the crossfire. Or, things go great and you end up with two people who make puppy-eyes at each other instead of getting on with the job at hand.

Advertising is a business that forces people to work together for long hours. It’s also an emotional business, filled with creative, emotional people. The chances of relationships forming are vastly increased. But this is not the time to listen to your reproductive organs. Use your head. Have relationships with people in other agencies, by all means. But do not screw the crew.

If you do, everyone gets screwed in the end.